I Have Butterfingers

    Hi. Today I'm going to talk to you about one of the things I am most self conscious about...........

    I lose things really easily. I have terrible short term memory regarding where I leave my stuff. I cannot tell you the amount of times I've lost my keys, my wallet, my metro card, even my driver's license. It's something that really makes me feel extremely incompetent and stupid. I know that that doesn't make sense. Misplacing items does not equate to a lack of intelligince, but whenever I feel that wave of panic rush over me because I realize the space in my bag where my wallet should be is empty, I feel like a fucking idiot.

    And like, don't get me wrong. I'm a fully functioning adult. My bills are paid, I can cook a meal for myself, I show up to work, I do my taxes, the whole 9 yards. The small things just always fall through my fingers. Literally. And it's not like I don't recover my items. 9 times outta 10 I find my stuff! It just takes a little detective work and help from my friends. So I'm not really losing things. I'm just leaving them places. Like a trail of breadcrumbs! Fun?

     Maybe this feeling of colossal failure is linked to how I was treated as a kid? I do distinctly remember being yelled at in school for forgetting things like textbooks or homework. I remember being really upset for being punished for that sort of thing. One time in the 3rd grade I got recess taken away from me because I forgot my textbook and homework. I guess I didn't remember where I placed it the night before or something? I can't recall all the details. Originally my teacher was pretty chill about it and let me share a book with the kid next to me, but when she found out my homework was inside my textbook it was over. I can recount so vividly the way her face distorted in anger. She called my behavior "unacceptable". I'm pretty sure I cried. I was 8. In my brain I didn't really understand what was going on. I had made a mistake. Why didn't I get to play because of it? I'm pretty sure I was told that this punishment was so I "wouldn't ever forget important things again".

    Guess what? It didn't work. I forgot shit all throughout middle school, high school, and college. The items just changed. In my adult life the things I needed to keep track of on a daily basis became the easiest to lose. It really weighs on me too. I feel like a small child who's incapable of functioning in society because I can't always keep track of a plastic card that says I'm allowed to drive and my date of birth. It is terrifying to me every time I have to admit to my friends or family that I've misplaced something. My brain runs through thousands of scenarios of my loved ones thinking things along the lines of "Jesus Sarah. You're 22. You can't keep track of your keys or wallet? Did you really get a degree? She really needs to get it together. God I hate helping her find her shit."

    That one childhood memory cannot be the only reason I feel and react this severely to mislaying my stuff. I'm sure I could go through my early memories and pick out a few other shining stars that contribute to the feeling of unworthiness that sprouts in my chest when I can't find my keys. Actually I have like 5 on hand but I'm not going to dox every adult figure from my adolescence. They're good people and that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to ask you if you feel the same way? Is there something that you do or can't do that makes you feel like you're a failure of an adult? Am I alone here? Small, big, in between please let me know. I wanna hear about it. For real, don't leave me hanging. Dm me, fb message me, text me, comment here, call me, beep me if you wanna reach me.

That's it for today kids. Short and sweet :)

xoxo,

sarah L.